GRIEF IN ADOPTION

beanstalk — Mon, 03 Jun 2024 15:24:52 +0000

While adoption is often portrayed as a heartwarming journey filled with love and new beginnings, it is essential to acknowledge the complex emotions and grief that can accompany the process. For birth parents, the decision to place their child for adoption can be fraught with profound sadness and loss, even amidst the hope for a better future. Similarly, adoptive families may grapple with feelings of grief stemming from infertility struggles, navigating the complexities of the adoption process, or managing expectations versus reality. Understanding and addressing these layers of grief is vital in providing holistic support to all individuals involved in the adoption journey.

There are several types of grief that are commonly experienced within the adoption triad. Most often, people are aware of the intense grief that someone experiences when a loved one dies. This intense sadness is what some grief counselors refer to as “normal grief.” There are, however, other kinds of grief that are expereinced during adoption. Let’s examine these types more closely:

Anticipatory Grief

This is the grief we feel when we know a loss is coming. Birth parents may feel anticipatory grief when making the adoption plan, particularly as the day of placement draws near. Birth parents in foster care may also experience this grief type once they realise their case will end in termination of rights.

Ambiguous Grief

You can think of this as grief for someone who still exists in the world, but isn’t physically present or whose identity has changed to become someone unknown to you. The child placed for adoption is lost to their parents, even though the child may be thriving in their adoptive home. The opposite may be true for the foster-adoptee, who grieves the loss of their birth family member who is no longer allowed to live with them due to safety concerns.

Complicated Grief

Sometimes grief is mixed with other emotions, particularly if the loss brought about some beneficial changes. The adopted child may feel relieved to be cared for in a safe and loving environment where their needs are consistently met, but may also feel loss for the life they might have experienced with their birth family. These mixed emotions can be difficult and confusing to navigate.

Chronic Grief

Sometimes grief has a natural ending, as people are able to arrive at a season of moving forward. Other times, the person who is grieving never gains freedom from their grief in a significant way. This can be very true for the birth parent who may never stop loving their child and wishing their circumstances were different. They may feel constant reminders that the child is no longer with them and they may not be comforted by knowing the child is safe, healthy and thriving. It is common to require counseling and perhaps medical treatment for depression in order to help manage chronic grief.

If you or someone you know is experiencing grief, sadness, or depression that is impacting their quality of life, considering reaching out to LFCS for counseling services. Our compassionate staff of licensed therapists can help you during this difficult season. Please contact us at 866-326-LFCS or HELP@LFCS.ORG

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Fear of the Unknown

beanstalk — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 19:57:58 +0000

Fear of the unknown is difficult in any situation, but in adoption it is a lifelong fear.

Larry and Jennifer have experienced this fear in many aspects along their adoption journey. The couple has adopted two boys as infants through LFCS. The drastic differences between their adoptions made Larry and Jennifer realize the uniqueness of each child and their adoption stories.

Their oldest son, Grant, adoption turned out to be a closed adoption. They have never met the birth parents and have no way of contacting them. This seemed like the norm and they were comfortable with this, until they adopted their second son, Neil.

They met Neil’s birth mother prior to his birth and his birth father in the hospital at his birth. Communication with the birth parents started through the agency and eventually developed to direct communications with the birth parents. Jennifer admitted that her fears surfaced many times during Neil’s adoption, as it was all so new and different.

“Communication with birth parents who actually communicated back was amazing and scary at the same time,” Jennifer reflected.

Larry and Jennifer still had worries that the birth parents would want Neil back or question whether they made the right choice. The feared saying the wrong thing or overstepping in their roles as adoptive parents before finalization. To face these fears head on, Jennifer asked for the support of her adoption worker. Now Jennifer can’t wait for responses from Neil’s birth parents. Their relationship is better than any of them anticipated.

The differences in their son’s adoption journeys aren’t finished. As the boys grow, Larry and Jennifer expect questions. For Grant, they won‘t have many answers. When Neil has questions they can go straight to his birth parents for answers. This fact alone nearly stopped Larry and Jennifer from going forward for Neil’s match, but they have learned that there will always be fears of the unknown, as well as differences between their children. They could either allow the fear to control them or they could face the fear. Larry and Jennifer have sought education and help from LFCS on how to support BOTH of their son’s and their journeys of adoption.

Looking back, Larry and Jennifer can’t even imagine the possibility of them not facing their fears of the unknown, or Neil not being a part of their family. They don’t know what the future holds or their son’s responses or desires with regards to their adoptions, but they know they will face it head on with honesty and openness.